Things that need to invented, part V

We are reviving our long dormant and long overdue, "Things that need to be invented" column, hopefully heretoforth to once again be published monthly. Your brilliant suggestions are encouraged, read the other folks sweet invention ideas here [scroll down below this post]. We are so confident about the volume of your forthcoming submissions that we are kicking things back off with a triple shot of invent this.

The first thing in this month's column that needs to be invented is a cheaper electric riding lawnmower. Gas powered lawnmowers are so bad for the environment. On top of their deleterious effect on air quality and the noise pollution, they are woefully inefficient and resource wasting. We are going whole hog with the electric and hybrid cars things, why can't somebody get on it for the lawnmower market? They are quieter, way less polluting and way more fuel efficient. We could not find one cheaper than two grand. Surely they can beat that with a little more mass production. Maybe we can get a government tax credit for buying an electric lawnmower?

The next thing we would like to see invented is for Major League baseball to put its entire back catalog of game telecasts on-line. Let us, the fans, be able to look up any game, any time and stream it on-line. We would pay for this. And we are not just talking this year's game, but the historical back catalog. Think how many games diehards would watch? And if this project sounds fanciful, try to remember that just a few short years ago the idea of digitizing your entire music library to something the size of laptop, let alone i-pod, was the stuff of dreams. What an argument resolver! Want to know who was pitching in the pine tire game? Or where the use of middle relievers really started? Stream one Yankees-Royal game, stream an entire A's or White Sox season. MLB you can be America's game again, start here.

And finally in the sub-category of needs to be invented known as their needs to be an app for that... (And nobody on the Clarion Content's staff has an i-phone so please alert us if their already is an app for this...) The Craigslist Missed Connection application! Just walked by that beautiful girl or that cute guy in the coffee shop or bookstore without saying anything and regretting it already? Voilà, an instant Craiglist Missed Connection post. In era where texting and IMing are ubiquitous and conversation subsuming, what could be better than instantaneously being able to anonymously record on-line that you wish you would have talked to thus and such hottie?

Thank you and good night. We will return same time, same place next month. Send us your feedback and your brilliant invention suggestions.

Things that need to invented, part IV

A few weeks ago over a delicious Saint Paddy's Day dinner the Clarion's editorial staff heard a brilliant new suggestion for our Things that need to be invented column. Dinner, rather than the traditional corn beef and cabbage, was an oh so tender Guinness beef stew. The suggestion was collective composting. The stew featured an array of delicious fresh vegetables. Their preparation led to a discussion of organic waste products and the difficulty of composting in the modern American townhouse or apartment.

If you don't have a yard or a place to put the grill, locating a spot for the compost bin is all but impossible. However, why can't America's townhouse and apartment complexes provide a shared composting bin? And if America really wanted to get on top of it, these bins could be hooked into methane digestion systems and generators and used to supplement the power grid at each complex.

We all know the landfill problem in America is massive and getting inexorably worse. Do we want to go the way of Italy, where trash accumulation, and illegal dumping has literally brought down the government? Why put biodegradable refuse into a non-biodegradable, plastic bag, wait for a fossil fuel powered, mileage inefficient, truck to pick it up and haul it miles away? Where it will take twenty years for the bag alone to decompose? (Not to mention, most complexes pay someone to fertilize the shared turf areas and subsequently irrigate them with clean drinking water!! America, could we be any more wasteful??)

It should simply be an environmental mandate that all townhouse, condominium and apartment complexes over four units must provide a public composting bin. Then the only problem would be getting lazy, but eco-conscious Americans to use them.

Things that need to be invented, part III

Stove tops with motion sensors and timers connected to cut-off switches.

Believe or not twice during the holiday season the Clarion heard stories of stove tops left unattended starting fires. Fortunately, neither of these fires had disasterous consequences. The bearer of one of these tales also came with a suggestion. It sounded like a smart, practical idea to the Clarion.

Here goes, this reader and Illinois resident recommended that stove tops in new homes be installed with a motion sensor connected to a timer and a kill switch. And why not? The Clarion discussed it with our wise, young friend, whose idea it was, and we agreed that you might go away from the oven with it on for a very long time, deliberately. To put something in the oven and leave for a couple hours is common, but nobody puts something on the stove top for hours and leaves.

From another friend, a recent college graduate, we heard that their old roommate was actually known to come home drunk and wanting to cook. She would start the stove and pass out on a couch or a bed in another room in the middle of the process. She did start a fire once, and it is a small wonder the apartment wasn't burnt to the ground on more than one occasion the way we heard tell.

So why not? Install stoves with a basic motion detector, they are quite reasonable these days. Hook the motion detector to a timer and if the stove top has no one in front of it for more than 20-25 minutes, have it trigger an auto shut off. Sounds easy enough to this liberal arts, non-engineer.

Things that need to be invented, part II

Someone needs to invent a built in recording unit on the steering wheel of your car.

The Clarion can take no credit for this, other than for showing up at the right kind of parties, where people are batting around brilliant ideas like this one. This particular bright idea is rooted in preserving other bright ideas. How many times have we all been in the car driving along when inspiration struck? The Clarion has tried to scribble notes on everything from the back of a checkbook to the owners manual of the car. They usually come out looking like they were written by a dyslexic on Psilocybin. Not to mention the risk to other drivers caused by careening all over the road while trying to scrawl a coherent thought.

Now here comes a genius answer.



Invent a voice activated or push button recorder. Either way, drop in a recording unit. The technology has to be out there already. The steering wheel and the dashboard of a modern car already encompass a range of computers that can do just about anything you want to do. If you can control the cars speed, the radio-CD player and use your Bluetooth through the buttons on the steering wheel and the dash, how hard can it be for the car companies to drop a flash drive or a tiny cassette tape into the steering wheel.

Roll tape. Let the brilliance begin.

Things that need to be invented, part I

Doesn't it seem like all radio stations should simply have a link so that one can buy whatever song they just played?

Obvious, nu?

They should have their website constantly updating what track it was they just played. This would be nice in and of itself, right? (Some stations do this, already.)

But then the playlist should link to i-Tunes, Napster, or directly to the four major record lables, Sony-BMG, EMI, Universal and Warner and for a standard fee one could purchase the track one just heard on the radio.

Record companies would sell a lot of music on impulse buys. Radio stations could get a tiny cut of each transaction and they would have something else to show their own advertisers about listeners and their spending habits, besides specious Arbitron ratings.