Skates & Snakes (& Skanky Shakes) (Sub-T Homesick Aches) Pt. 2

We slept in on Sunday (by "we" I mean Beck) until 10 and barely roused ourselves enough to head down to DC's for pre-Dbacks game lunch. Where to go, where to go? Dan innocently suggested The Heart Attack Grill, and I, thinking we were in for merely some scrumptious burgers, eagerly agreed. Little did I know that... well, the whole pace is a big farce on the health food craze, and they furthermore play up the hospital angle. So the owner of the joint is dressed up like a doctor, the waitresses are skanked out nurses, and they offer burgers called the single through quadruple bypass, PBR beer, no diet sodas and, if you want, you can buy cigarettes with your meal. If you manage to finish a quadruple bypass, they will wheel you out to your car in a wheelchair. Just like a hospital! Only funnier and sluttier. Just for visual reference, our waitress was Sami, and she was dutifully playing the role of "fantasy nurse:"

Beck made several comments about Miss Sami's stunningly good service, always being out in front of her customers' expectations, and her well-placed stethoscope that day (missing from the picture, but you probably guessed that she had it aseptically stored in her pocket). Dan and I dutifully averted our eyes, being the good protestant boys that we are. The whole thing was a little too surreal for a post-Karaoke Sunday morning, and only got slightly stranger when a 65 year old woman showed up to dine alone. Moxie! Between this and the Ice Pack or whatever the hell the Coyotes Dance team is called from the previous night, I had had enough pseudo-sexy ridiculousness for two days. On to the D-Backs game, where nary a dolled up hussy is employed trying to trade t-shirts for credit card signups. Oh, wait. Anyhoo, we finished our burgers and chips (which were, unsurprisingly, AWESOME), Christina vowed to dedicate her life to protesting the parodying of nurses, sexy or otherwise, and we headed down to the DBacks game. Xtina was primed, rattler in hand:

So she could either cheer on the DBacks or scare the crap out of people in dark desert alleys. Xtina I agreed, too, that the DBacks mascot - some kind of ridiculous aged mountain lion-type thing - would be much better if it were a giant snake that would give kids perma-nightmares. We were ranting on about such thing sbecause despite the fact that it was the last home game of the regular season, despite the fact that the DBacks are in1st and in the middle of a tight pennant race, the place was as dead as can be. The place was packed (40K or so):

But the DBacks got trounced, and you could pretty much hear the songs coming out of the iPods of the bored teenagers sitting next to you. It was 5-1 at one point and Dan was telling Xtina that we should give up, and she asked why, can't the DBacks come back? And we told her no, the Dbacks were really not that good at "playing the baseball." Seriously - this team is wacky - in first place despite being far outscored on the season. They are fantastic at 3-1 games, but Dan is absolutely right, they're going to be hard-pressed to ever come back from more than 2 down. Which makes the possible upcoming showdown with the Cubs at

all the more exciting. So the game was a bit of a letdown, though we did get to hear about a whole bunch of prizes being given away and had the privilege of paying significant amounts of money to be bombarded with mankind's entire creative gamut of flashing advertisements. Man, I suddenly have this urge to gamble... anyways, fun time as always with the DC, and we wrapped up the weekend with some more Deadwood and laundry. Wahoo! Always!

One dig to end the post:

These people are wicked unoriginal.