Out of the Loop

There is one important detail in that map, and one only: that Clayton is outside of Raleigh and, as such, is outside of the loop that surrounds Raleigh. The most general sense of direction - and trust that I barely have that - shows that our start was on the northwest side of town and that our destination was on the southeast. So "outside of the loop," by all standards of directional sense, means take route 70 east to the church, particularly at 3:42 when the wedding starts at 4.

Mr. Google, it seems, would tend to disagree. Or tended to, anyways: as of now, the directions on my GMap are okay. But that day, on an ill-fated iPhone, the directions were not. They said to go 70 West and, gosh-darn-it, by the holy path of Jones Sausage Road, west we would go.

Fast forward to 3:56.

Beck: "Dad, we're on 70 trying to get to the church."
iPJ: "Hold on."
Daniel, aka Uncle Henry, aka Father of the Bride: "Where are you?"
Beck: "70 in Garner."
Daniel: "Turn around, look for a Bojangles and a CVS; turn there."
Beck: "Isn't there something you should be doing right now?"
Daniel: "Oh. Yeah."

So we eventually managed to get there at 4:15, again, no thanks to Zach, our connection at Google. DRAT! So we missed the walking down the aisle and apparently a 17 verse rendition of "Through Christ Alone." No one noticed, though, because we sat in the second row!!! Made it in plenty of time for a sermon about the point system of marriage and, I quote the pastor here, a message themed by "the wedding day is important, but what's really important is what happens when those wedding clothes come off." Obviously this was intended to be about putting on normal everyday clothes and living the day to day, but more than a few heads snapped to attention at that one. Yikes. One of the bridesmaids then sang Randy Travis's "Forever and Ever, Amen" while one of the groomsmen strummed D, G, E and A chords - the church was a big Methodist style hall with a nice PA system, so that came out pretty. At some point later in the ceremony - during the lighting of the Union candle, actually - a different groomsman grabbed a different guitar and beautifully played Led Zeppelin's "The Rain Song." A nice soothing melody, but - and maybe this is just me being close-minded - Led Zeppelin, as I recall, was pretty much the poster band for the Occult back in the day. So, um, maybe an odd choice. But any ceremony that gets the Led out is by definition fantastic - and the rest of the ceremony was quite lovely; rings were exchanged, public kisses had, and Travis and Hilary were officially man and wife. Nice. Here's the happy couple in the embryonic stages of wedded bliss at the reception:

Awwwwww. Speaking of the reception, we quickly jumped into the car and followed the iPJ over to the building, a revamped Plantation-House-ish building just a few miles from the church. We walked into the building to the thumping rhythm guitar of one Angus Young: AC/DC's "Back in Black" screamed into the reception hall air. I nearly did a mat drill. We quickly grabbed a seat with easy access for Richard and then accosted the waiters for hors d'oeuvres. The place soon filled up - it was quite packed , actually - so we made a beeline for the bar and had our share of wine and beer. Good start to a party. Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" and Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind" echoed through the chamber at various points; pretty eclectic tunes for a dinner / dance-fest. I was accosted more than once to reprise my madonna dancing to a tune that was ne'er played - I don't exactly know how one even pretends to pull that off.

The bridal party eventually came in coupled, and Hilary/Travis walked through the room to thunderous applause. And then we were all let loose on the food - huzzah! Great cheese plates, fruit, chicken wrapped in bacon, etc. filled our bellies thoroughly as we waited for the real party to start. Hilary / Travis kicked things off nicely, and Daniel and Hilary followed it up with the usual trad dances; I think Uncle Richard thoroughly approved:

Quite lovely, though apparently the cameraman managed to capture Beck and me in a dumbfounded gaze (I'm guessing "when is the cake?" was running through my mind here):

After the trad dances, the whole bridal party did a cute little choreographed number involving dips and jazz hands. And then... they stopped halfway through the song. Aroo? Unsurprisingly, no one looked at the empty dance floor and thought, "Hey, I would like my awkward moves to be the center of attention!," so things died down for a bit. But fear not: there was a little eight year old kid out there who absolutely TORE IT UP with everything from handsprings to break dancing to some kind of weird cross between goose-stepping and the robot. Zounds! His best move was probably removing his tie and shirt, going straight-up undershirt clad and then hanging on the bar for dear life looking like he had just downed two glasses of scotch. Dude knew how to party.

Beck and I brought our usual brand of tomfoolery to the floor, too, caught for posterity by the cameraman:

And yes, my brand of idiocy is patented. Believe it. Beck, who routinely scales mountains, reported being sore.

Clearly a fun time. The rest of the reception consisted of the usual fare: bouquets, garters, cake-cutting, toasts. Every part of the recipe fell in its place, quite the shindig. The bride and groom and wedding party eventually headed off to whatever post-parties they were bound for, and the crazy Boston cousins, throats parched and bodies salt-deprived, hit up the Waffle House across the street to help their livers and kidneys bring things to healthier states. The absolute highlight of which, obviously, being when I ordered my hash browns covered, Greg ordered them plain, but then upon seeing the glory of American cheese on my hash browns, sent his back to have them covered! And she LITERALLY covered them - just threw 1/64th of a package of American cheese on the top, obscuring the view of their top!!! Fantastic. Maybe not quite as awesome as the time I heckled Harry Potter buyers after Frank and Jordan's wedding, but definitely up there - I highly recommend Waffle House trips as post wedding destinations. But not for the bride and groom - Seward's Folly for them! Fun wedding, and we hope that H/T are having a blast on their Alaskan honeymoon right now. (And not being too harsh on alternative solutions to substance addiction problems!!!) Thanks for a great celebration! And to the next post!