* - Previously Recorded.
Apple is releasing a new version of their famous "Scott Searl" line of humanoid appliances, known widely by its urban slang nickname, "IPJ."
Scott Searl 2.0 will include many improvements over the previous model, including 4 extra sets of ears for multi-iPod listening and an extra set of eyes in the back of the head for bonus Video iPod watching. The eyes in the back of the head (which will probably be called iEyes by Apple's Marketing Division) will double as a driving aid for those times when your Scott Searl 2.0 needs to talk to you and you are sitting in the back of car. Reversible shoulder joints, so that SS can turn completely 180 degrees around to talk to his passengers, will possibly be available with the 2.1 release.
Scott Searl 2.0 also comes completely wireless internet ready, and for a low monthly fee of $4.95 your Scott Searl will auto-update every morning with new info on the hydrogen economy, Jesus seminar, ID vs. evolution debate, Atkins Mashed Potato recipes and a completely up-to-date graphic database of all the world's flags. Apple will waive the $4.95 fee if you also sign up for the "Apple Products" and "Suburu Cars" Auto-Updates. But wait, that's not all! Scott Searl 2.0 can stream music from the internet, so your July 3rd of celebrations will include all of your traditional favorite hits (Kate Smith, Johnny Cash, etc.) as well as the hot new patriotic releases by your favorite Columbia artists. Scott 2.0 will feature auxiliary speakers for high-quality CD audio digital playback in his neck, so not only will you hear American music in beautiful stereo, but Scott will still use his primary speaker (i.e. his mouth) to sing along to the tunes using his Baritone 7.1 human voice simulator technology.
And if you order now, you will get the newest update of "Counter Cleaner 2000." The old version only had one setting, "Everything and as fast as possible," but the new version contains an option for "only after it is done being used." As a special bonus, another command line will set your Scott Searl 2.0 in "clean everything that Beck is using" mode. Just simply click a mouse at Thanksgiving time and watch hilarity ensue!
The new Scott Searl 2.0 will be available January 2, 2006. But we still haven't told you the best part! In order to keep your Scott busy for at least the next 5 years, Apple has included an Occupation Package that gives your Scott the know-how to wonderfully help the aging and blinding in his community. He additionally gives them awesome black sunglasses to make them look cool. This software took several years to develop and required Special training with the SS 2.0 for several more. What's the name of this exciting new software from Apple?
iDoctor.
***********************
Actually, the melon head is carried on Chromosome 17 and is considered to be a beautiful example of intelligent design. You may or may not remember the apocryphal "Book of Rob," a biblical entry that covers the time period after the Great Flood when the earth was entirely covered by melons (honeydew, watermelons, cantaloupe, you name it). All the pairs of predatory animals on Noah's boat were very hungry from their long venture at "sea," so when things finally dried up enough for them to get back to the eating business, the world was a very dangerous place for the few remaining humans. Fortunately, a voice boomed from the heavens, "Let there be cranius melonicus (and let it be on chromosome 17!)," and suddenly certain members of Noah's party were endowed with the famous "Dome de Rob." The lucky (and now "fitter") few proceeded to hide in the copious melon patches and thereby escaped becoming tiger food.
So you see, "cabeza de Rob" was really a beautifully designed piece of nature, like a chameleon's camouflage, or an insect shaped like a leaf. There was also the cumbersome problem of man no longer being in God's image, however, so a lesser known clause of the famed "I will never flood the earth again" covenant is the "I will never interfere directly with genetics again, I will just let evolution run its course" promise. Clearly, as the earth returned to its normal not-so-populated-with-melons form, the melon head turned into a selective disadvantage, as there were multiple incidents of 4th of July barbecues (watermelon!) and fruit salads inadvertently including human heads.
Still, the giant head persists in the human genome today, albeit in rare occurrence. Superstition also implicitly carries the story of the "Great Post-Flood Mutation," as you will often see soccer players rub a melon head for good luck before a match, particularly when playing the Tigers, Eagles, or any other predatory mascot, hoping cranius melonicus will give them an "advantage."
In sum, Rob's head is not a genetic defect, but rather a miraculously simple everyday proof of the validity of ID.
No comments:
Post a Comment