I Heart The Self-Checkout Lane

Mainly because it eliminates the ridiculous human interaction of the normal checkout lane. The disembodied automated voice at the checkout lane never asks me about paper or plastic. She never tells me how much I saved using my VIP card, or comments ont he weather, or asks where I'm from, all of which happen to me in the normal checkout lane on a frighteningly regular basis. I do like that the disembodied self-check out voice responds to me sliding my VIP card across the red beams by announcing 'WELCOME, VALUED CUSTOMER!" for all the world to hear. And that is the key, because clearly no one, computer-driven or not, would address a human being int he second person as "valued customer." It's much more an announcement that this institution, represented by this nothing of an automated device, values me. I question how much a "corporation" can value anything, let alone me, and let alone whether this computerized non-entity is qualified to value things. Can you feel the linguistic analytical love?

Still, this is not why the self-checkout lane is awesome. It's awesome because I have the procedure down to a science: Start button, swipe credit card, swipe VIP card, swipe items, clcik done, click no coupons, click credit card, out. When I'm just shopping for Ulti-stuff, like a power bar and two gatorades, I get in and out of the store in two minutes. That's ridiculous! And it rules.

But THAT is also not why the self-checkout automated disembodied voice lady is awesome. She is awesome for a primary reason. When I buy produce, she runs me through the "type in the PLU code" game. Sometimes produce costs X per weight, sometimes it costs X per item. But she averts this semantic situation via the brilliance following: after I enter the item and the quantity of the item, she says,

"Put the item on the scanner and wait."

Or is it, "Put the item on the scanner and weigh it???!?!?!?!"

So whether it's a cost per item or per weight, she's covered. All the results, half the programming! That would be the efficacy of a pun in action, people. YEAH!

And yes, you just got tricked into reading something incredibly mundane with a bad punchline. SUCKA!!!!