Sparkle Conquers the Stairs
SD: I used to have a problem. I used to not be able to walk down stairs. I was terrified; Beck and Nate had to carry me down from the 2nd floor at our apartment in Austin so I could visit "Poop Island" at the complex.
WD: Poop Island ruled.
SD: So yeah, then Nate tried to train me, he would put me on the first step and have me come down, then put me on the second step and come down, then the third, etc.
WD: Whatever happened to poop island?
SD: I got all the way to the next to stop stair, but I couldn't get over the mental block - I couldn't move past the top stair. Nate would lift me and put me on the second to top stair, and then I could go down, but I just couldn't get off of that top stair. I would yap and yap and all the neighbors thought I was being kicked or something. That was kinda funny, actually.
WD: I mean, one day you're on poop island, the next you're in some place where it snows? What's up with that?
SD: Then one day when Nate came home, Wrigley ran out the front door at full speed. She knocked the lamp into the doorway, so when Nate went running after her and slammed the door shut, he hit the lamp and the door stayed open. Curious, I meandered outside and saw Nate catch Wrigley in the parking lot (we were little then; nowadays Wrigley can run WAY faster than Nate)
WD: Yeah, I'm pretty seriously fast now, I'm all ziggity zaggity.
SD: So then I thought, wouldn't it be funny if now was the time I picked to conquer my fear of the top stair? So I did, I ran down the stairs. it turned out to be pretty easy. And FUNNY! Nate was running around like a crazy man, trying to hold Wrigley like a football and catch me at the same time.
WD: Touchdown!
SD: Yeah, so eventually he caught me. But man was that hilarious. And I never had trouble with that top step again. Now, garbage bags, I still have some problems with those...
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The Time Wrigley Caught a Squirrel
WD: One time I caught a squirrel. It was at our place in Arlington, the one with the treasure chest of shoes in the basement and the yard I always tore up. And it had a sweet widescreen TV, and a guy who came and put papers in one box and then gave us cookies. That place ruled. Anyways, yeah, I was hanging out by the bushes, I mean I was hunting by the bushes, when Sparkle scared the squirrel out of the bushes, and it was all bam, pow, and I was all, yeah, you can't get away from me, and it was all yeah I can, and then I pounced it, and then it tried to get away but I pounced it, it was sweet.
SD: Yeah, it was pretty sweet. So I was all grrrrr, yo, Wrigley, let me have that squirrel, I want it, and Wrigley was all no you can't have it, but then I was all grrrr, so Wrigley let go of the squirrel, and the squirrel ran away. So I was all damn, man, now no one gets a squirrel, and I really wanted a squirrel, but then Nate said "inside" so we went inside. Then we got cookies. It was sweet.
WD: Yeah, those were good times. I haven't been able to catch one since. But I caught one once. It was sweet. I mean, catching it was sweet. I didn't taste the squirrel, I just pounced it. Peanut Butter?
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The Staite of Dog
WD: Stardate... stardate... um, Sparkle, what's the star date?
SD: The star to date is Jewel Staite. No doubt. She's cute, and she can fix an engine. I don't know what Simon was thinking.
WD: What are you talking about?
SD: What are yooooooouuuuu talking about?
WD: Um, anyways... stardate something or other, being a dog I really have no frame of reference here, but it sure does seem like a long time since we saw Poop Island.
SD: RIP Poop Island.
WD: Oh, Sparkle, don't say that!!! Anyways, every once in a while, we like to take a step back and note the status of things. You know, check out how everything's going. The State of Dog. It's not all eating, sleeping, walking, lounging on the couches and doing nose art on the windows, you know.
SD: Right - it's only 98% that.
WD: How true. Anyways, you may have noticed that I am doing most of the talking here. That is because after our fight in March, the owner-types decided that I am the dominant one.
SD: Grrrr...
WD: Quiet, you. The new arrangement is working nicely for me, as I get food and greetings and such first. Sparkle finally realizes that she is shorter and not as awesome as I am, which is also nice.
SD: Yo. It's not all about the dominance thing. The owners also started giving me extra magical peanut butter or hot dogs or wet dog food with dinner every night. It's awesome stuff; it has chilled me out to the MAX! I am low key and do not constantly walk around with that wigged out look on my face. Look how calm I am!!!
On the downside, my appetite is a little suppressed from all the magic - so I have lost some weight off my legendary tough-girl figure. But it's okay; nothing a little wet food and / or olive oil can't fix.
WD: Yes, I have to agree. Life is much nicer - we can sleep in bed together, hang out on the couch, play with the owner-types - and nothing even close to a fight in almost 3 months! Hooray! Wait, what? Did you say squirrel?
SD: No I did not. In other news, a dog AND a 2 year old moved in upstairs, but we barely even see them. And sometimes that dog barks (I hear he is a boy dog who still has his balls! Is that crazy or what, Wriggs?) but we just ignore him. We're much too classy for barking.
WD: Amen. In more other news, I almost got lost in the woods the other day. But I am such a good dog that I went back to the car and Beck did not realize this for 15 minutes! Ha! It was actually not that funny; I got in trouble. And Beck made Nyet sad because she called him and told him and he was sad. I will never run off by myself again.
SD: (Uncontrollable giggling).
WD: Oh yeah - I had a bad time the last time I went to the woods, too. The time before that, I mean. I stuck my face in something CRAZY - like a seven headed wasp robot - and it bited me on my nose. Be forewarned - this is kinda gross - but this is what I looked like two days after it happened, and it got worse and worse and worse! I had to eat extra magical peanut butter for like three weeks! And I had to wear the hat of shame!!!
(Picture removed because it was NASTY).
It's all better now, for the most part - but man, those were some rough days. But seriously, look how happy I am!!!
SD: So there you have it - the State of Dog. Better living through magic, I always say. We'll try and share some more Dog Tails soon.
Owners leave and re-enter the room. SD & WD pick up shoes, socks, and whatever else is available. Brains are reset.
WD: Stardate... stardate... um...
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The Scarist Halloween Costume Ever
SD: Dude, you are so not scary.
WD: I know. Anyways, what's scarier than dressing up as Sparkle's arch-nemesis, "Elkraps?"
SD: WHAT?!?! Where is Elkraps?!?!
WD: Dude, take a chill pill. No seriously, it's almost dinner time (Note: Again, this was written at 7:15 A.M.). I am just pretending to be Elkraps; don't try to kill me.
SD: Okay. This time.
WD: Anyways, so Beck took us to the woods, and I wanted to be Elkraps for Halloween so I thought now's my chance so I jumped into a big black mud puddle. And I writhed around in it. And now I look awesome! I look just like her!
SD: You so do not:
WD: Whatever dude, I am wicked scary.
SD: "Wicked?" We're from Texas, goofball!
WD: Anyways, our owners are WAY lame, and they wouldn't let me stay dressed as Elkraps. I had to get in the tub and take a bath which, just in case you're not a dog and you don't understand, is pretty much the worst thing ever.
SD: Amen.
WD: "Some" men, "a" man. Geez, Sparkle, where'd you go to school? Yeah, so we got baths, Sparkle did too 'cause she was kinda muddy, too, so then we looked like this:
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SD: The moral of the story is man, stay away from the bath, it makes you look stoooooopid.
WD: And don't try to dress like Elkraps, because they'll just make you take a bath, and then you'll look stooooopid.
SD: Oh, but if they do make you take a bath, shake all over their clothes and get them all wet, because that is freaking hilarious!
WD: Some men to that, my sister.
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The State of Dog: January 2007 (Not that They Know That)
WTD: So yeah, I was hanging out with Nyet in the study and he was listening to the radio on his Command Control Station and the guy on the radio the guy on the radio was saying "tonight, W will deliver the State of the Union Adress" and I was like what's a union but then I was like oh no W that's me and I don't even have a speech written yet so I called my friend Sparkle and she agreed to help me.
STD: Dude, Breathe. And Punctutate. Seriously.
WTD: So yeah, first we read some online polls about what dogs wanted to hear about, but when we...
STD: You mean when I...
WTD: When Sparkle typed "State of Union opinions," all we got was a bunch of hits on ending partisan politics.
STD: (Wrigs, don't forget to start everything with my fellow dogs!)
WTD: Right, sorry. My fellow dogs, I am pleased to report that we have already got that ending partisan politics under control. Even though I am officially Alpha Dog and Sparkle knows her place..
STD: Dude, that is not on the prompter...
WTD: We have officially decided to get over our black and tan, our skinny and short differences...
STD: Mmmm, black and tan...
WTD: and work together to make a better house for us dogs. It is time to see past our differences and look to our goals, and as you may have noticed, we have not fought for over 10 months!
(Insert Thundering Standing Ovation Here)
WTD: My fellow dogs, once we came together and discussed the issues, we discovered that we actually both often take the same position! For example, on the heated issues of bed, sofa and futon, Sparkle and I are both in favor of the position of "lying on." When it comes to the issue of dog labor laws, we both agree on the idea of a 4 hour wake day! Sparkle, what is your position on Broccoli?
STD: I'm for it!
WTD: Me, too! And how about your position regarding snow and ice on the ground?
STD: It makes my butt cold when I pee! I'm against!
WTD: We're together on that one as well! Which is why we started the Global Warming Initiative. More like, "A Convenient Poop," Mr. Gore! HA! So Sparks, how about your position on Wrigley getting into the bed first?
STD: Grrrrrr...
WTD: Okay, bad example. But as you can see, my fellow dogs, our similarities far outweigh our differences. In fact, we were so excited about my leadership ability that we thought we may put our hat in the ring for the next human election in 2008!
STD: Yeah, not everybody knows that since Wrigley and I are sisters, WTD is technically half-black.
WTD: And I've been spayed, so I'm a bitch but not really completely a woman. So we thought I could run under the name...
Both: "Hilary Obama!"
WTD: Um, Sparkle? I don't get it.
STD: Wait... Hill Airy Oh Bama? Nope. Neither do I.
WTD: Anyways, the State of Dog is obviously doing just fine. We are pretty much lounging around and enjoying the occasional jaunt through the cold neighborhood. There is still no word on Poop Island, but we keep hoping that someday we may find our way home. Anything else, Sparks?
STD: From the Department of Apartmentland Security, we learn that there is still a dead skunk on the road, so we continue to sniff it every 11th day. We are also still at a greyish-black threat level regarding bicycles and other things on wheels entering the apartment, though we have deterred 100% of such attacks thus far. Oh, and squirrels are still annoying.
WTD: How about the DoSSSRS?
STD: Oh, the Department of Shoe, Slipper and Sock Relocation Services? Doing Just Fine.
WTD: True that. Okay, my fellow dogs: Good night, Dog bless, and remember, if you want your owners to feed you at 5:30 instead of 6:00, just be really annoying at 5:15 every single day. Thank You.
STD: Rub my belly.
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